The New Editor - Humor

30 Years Ago: Lee Elia and the Best Sports Tirade Ever

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 00:02:00 -0600

(Extreme language warning!)

This famous tirade by Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia occurred 30 years ago today following a 4-3 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1983.

It was recorded by reporter Les Grobstein.

"I'll tell you one fuckin' thing, I hope we get fuckin' hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them 3,000 fuckin' people that show up every fuckin' day. Because if they're the real Chicago fuckin' fans, they can kiss my fuckin' ass right downtown and PRINT IT!

"They're really, really behind you around here ... my fuckin' ass.

"What the ... what the the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let my fuckin' players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the fuckin' nickel-dime people that show up? The motherfuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fuckin' game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a fuckin' living.

"Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world's working. The other fifteen come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers.

"Rip them motherfuckers ... rip them fuckin' cocksuckers like the fuckin' players. We got guys bustin' their fuckin' ass, and them fuckin' people boo. And that's the Cubs? My fuckin' ass. They talk about the great fuckin' support that the players get around here. I haven't seen it this fuckin' year....

"The name of the game is hit the ball, catch the ball, and get the fuckin' job done. Right now, we have more losses than we have wins. The fuckin' changes that have happened in the Cub organization are multi-fold. All right, they don't show because we're 5 and 14. And ... unfortunately, that's the criteria of them dumb 15 motherfuckin' percent that come out to day baseball. The other 85 percent are earning a living.

"It'll take more than a 5 and 13 or 5 and 14 to destroy the makeup of this club. ... I guarantee you that. There's some fuckin' pros out there that wanna fuckin' play this game. But you're stuck in a fuckin' stigma of the fuckin' Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals and all that cheap shit.

"All these motherfuckin' editorials about Cey and fuckin' ... ah ... the Phillie-itis and all that shit, it's... it's sickening. It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening fuckin' situation we're in right now. 5 and 14 doesn't negate all that work.

"We got 143 fuckin' games left. What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them fuckin' guys out there. Rip me! If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin' ass, but don't rip them fuckin' guys, 'cause they're givin' everything they can give.

"And once we hit that fuckin' groove, it'll flow. And it will flow, the talent's there. I don't know how to make it any clearer to you. I'm frustrated, I ...I'll guarantee I'm frustrated. It be different if I walked into this room everyday at 8:30 and saw a bunch of guys that didn't give a shit. They give a shit. And it's a tough National League East.

"It's a tough National League, period."

The 'Occupy Cookbook' that Wasn't

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 12:57:38 -0600

From the Seattle Times:

"The Occupy Cookbook project ran into contradictions at every turn in part because the acts of preparing and serving food are so complicated, bringing so much joy and also carrying so much baggage. Cooking can be an art or a pleasure; it can also be sheer drudgery, a burden and an obligation. We all deserve to be fed but, in order for this to happen, someone has to be enlisted to feed us," she wrote.

'David Axelron's' Snake Oil, Circa 1994

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 13:39:00 -0600

Laughing Chicago Dems out of the building is one of the best ways to deal with them...

(via Hot Air and Buzz Feed)

'The Obama Store'

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 16:40:00 -0600

Remember these fabulous retail outlets?

The Obama Store

Deep Thoughts on Foreign Policy

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Wed, 16 May 2012 08:10:00 -0600

Seen around the University of Texas:

My Thanks to Two Strangers

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 06:33:00 -0600

Sometimes people tell me that at times I am too gruff and not polite enough to others. In that spirit, I want to thank two strangers I saw yesterday in Austin, TX.

Thanks to the person driving by the Palmer Events Center yesterday in a Volvo SUV with a bumper sticker saying, Buy Local.

Thanks also to the woman being interviewed by a local cable news channel at the Texas Capital who was wearing the Stop the War on Women T-shirt, and whom I overheard telling the interviewer that, We will take back Texas in November!

You both made me laugh.

Hope. Change. Charles Atlas.

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 10:46:00 -0600

Washington Post columnist E. J. Dionne helpfully explains how 'progressives' can stop being wimpy.

In his next column, Dionne will explain how cows can stop being viewed as hamburger, pigs as bacon.

A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 10:01:58 -0600

Steve Goodman sings his anthem to the Cubs.

Obama In Chicago: I Hope Illinois Will "Rub Off" On GOP

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 12:50:00 -0600

From Real Clear Politics (video at link):

President Barack Obama says he hopes the moderation of the Land of Lincoln will "rub off" on the Republicans.

Perhaps what President Obama really means by this is he believes that a whole bunch of Repubs should follow the Chicago Democrat 'retirement plan' -- otherwise known as 'going the hoosegow.'

TV reporter walks into sign post

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 13:11:37 -0700

Does it make me a bad person if I like this? It's perfect metaphorically...

Huge red flag

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 12:55:00 -0700

Legal Insurrection has this absolutely hilarious photo, from Evanston, IL:

(From Legal Insurrection)

Matters in Hand

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:02:00 -0700

I miss Mike Royko.

(Source: Chicago Tribune, circa 1993)

The Internet Fun Machine: Nancy Pelosi on Gas Prices in April 2006

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:16:00 -0700

With gasoline prices nearing $3.50 a gallon in some places -- with expectations they are heading higher -- maybe it's time to go back to April 2006 in order to review the wisdom of Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), as she expressed then her theory on rising gas prices at a press conference. (The video of her comments, which used to be located here, has been surprisingly [unexpectedly!] deleted.)

Here's a transcript of Pelosi's comments: (emphasis added)

Remember one thing: If you want to be energy independent ... and Democrats intend to achieve that within 10 years ... and if you want to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and therefore ... um ... improve our national security situation, you can't do it if you're a Republican because you are too wedded to the oil companies.

We have two oilmen in the White House.... The logical ... follow-up from that is $3-a-gallon gasoline. There is no accident. It is a cause and effect.... a cause and effect.

How dare the President of the United States make a speech today, in April ... many, many, many months after the American people have had to undergo the cost of home heating oil? The woman told me she almost fainted when she received her ... home heating bill over this winter ... and when so many people making the minimum wage, which hasn't been raised in eight years, which has a very low purchasing power, have to go out and buy, gasoline at these prices?

Where have you been, Mr. President? The ... middle class squeeze is on, competition in our country is effected by the price of ... energy and of oil ... and all of a sudden you take a trip outside of Washington, see that the fact that the public is ... outraged about this, come home and make a speech. Let's see that matched in your budget, let's see that matched in your policy, let's see that matched in your separating yourself from your ... patron, Big Oil. Cut yourself off from that anvil that is holding ... your party down and this country down. Instead of coming to Washington and throwing your Republican colleagues under the wheels of the train, which they mightily deserve for being a rubber stamp for your obscene, corrupt policy of ripping off the American people.

Thank you all very much.

Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:03:00 -0700

From Onion TV:

Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger

The Odds Are Against it: One 2011 Headline 2012 Probably Won't Top

tpelia@yahoo.com (Tom Elia) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:55:12 -0700

A friend sent along this 2011 headline, and peering into his crystal ball, wrote, "It'll be hard for us to find a 2012 headline that tops this one!"

Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead in a Badger Den in Wales.