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By Tom Elia
March, 2001
The New Editor
(This column originally appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer.)
In case you didn't know, the stock market, as measured by the Dow Jones Industrial
Average or the Nasdaq Composite Average, took one in the kisser on Monday. No one feels
good about this, of course.
Perhaps we feel a little like Woody Allen's character, Isaac Davis, did in Manhattan, when
poor Isaac had second thoughts about quitting his job and says, "my accountant says I've
quit at a very bad time, my stocks are down, my cash flow is down…I don’t know-things
aren’t flowing."
Okay, so things aren't flowing right now. That, we can all agree is probably not good (unless
we are playing the market from the short side, in which case we are on a plane to Aruba
right now, sipping some kind of libation that needs an umbrella for some reason).
So what--why the intense focus on some stock index? Do these indexes act as a proxy for
how we are feeling?
Since when do a bunch of overpaid, glorified accountants hold so much sway over our lives?
Do I need to know that an analyst from the firm of "Now You See It, Now You Don't" has
upgraded his or her rating from "accumulate like dust” to “buy with complete and total
abandon until you can’t see straight"? Conversely, shall I pull my hair out when the same
analyst downgrades a rating from "yeah, yeah…this is good" to "holy cow, this company is a
total mess-sprint in an orderly fashion to the nearest exit"?
Should the federal government offer advice? "The Surgeon General has determined that
market sell-offs are dangerous to your health. Have a martini--make that a double-and stay
away from the window (that means you!)."
Must we really listen to the interminable drivel emanating from the "financial experts" on the
all-stock market all-the-time cable television channels (referred to by one of the more astute
stock market observers as "Bubblevision") that alternate between telling us that we are in a
new economy and that all of the old rules have changed ("we're all gonna be rich!") or that
we have just witnessed a "buyer’s strike" ("we all feel dreadful") and we must now all put on
the green eyeshades to find real value? Some of us must listen to all of this because it's our
job-but should everyone else really care enough to let it affect us a whole lot?
Aren't there other more important barometers for how things are going for us?
Here are a few things:
1) All of the National League baseball teams get to play both the Phillies and the Cubs a lot
this year. Isn't that terrific for them? To a lesser extent, it’s even good for the Cubs and the
Phillies, too, because they get to play each other.
2) Bill Clinton is in hiding and hasn't given a national address of any kind recently.
3) Jennifer Lopez appears to be in tip-top shape.
4) They haven't made any "Police Academy" movies in the last few years.
5) Barbra Streisand, Elizabeth Taylor, Rosie O'Donnell, Alec Baldwin and Eleanor Clift aren't
elected officials…yet.
6) Most of us do not have Hillary Clinton as our senator.
7) Burlap is not a trendy fashion material.
8) The French live, for the most part, in France.
9) Garlic can still be found in ample supply at a store near you.
10) The federal government is not involved in the manufacture or distribution of beer.
11) Aspirin was invented.
12) Billie Holiday recorded a lot of music.
13) William Shatner didn't.
There are many other leading indicators that things are going along swimmingly -- but they
are too numerous to list. You'll just have to trust me on this.
While it's true that the best stock trader in the business is Warren Buffett, perhaps we need
to look to a different Buffet for a benchmark of how things are going for us. Maybe Jimmy
Buffet should somehow be in the leading index describing the state of our lives.
In the meantime, put your feet up, have a cold one and put the truly important things into
specific relief.
You just need the right attitude.
Tom Elia is a contributing editor for The New Editor.
Paul Geary
David Rogers