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By Tom Elia
March, 2000
The New Editor
(This column originally appeared in the Austin American-Statesman.)
They have it all wrong.
New research published in the journal Nature suggests that taller men get married in higher
proportions and have more children than short men. The study seems to suggest that chicks
dig the tall guys more than us shrimps.
It is a dirty lie. And I speak from experience.
As a short, fat, bald man with a large nose (I prefer prominent proboscis, thank you), I
know this to be untrue. Women dig me -- the fact that a lot of them don't realize it yet does
not diminish my argument in the least.
All right, so I am single and haven't had a good relationship and have had only a couple of
dates in the past two years. Details, details.
So do you want to keep arguing with me or do you want to hear me out?
Women, who control the mating game, are intimidated by short guys. It's not that they don't
find us infinitely more desirable than tall guys. They do. It's only after they clumsily try for
us short guys and fail, that they settle for the tall guys.
For example, because we are so short, women can't longingly gaze up into our eyes in
attempt to flirt. If they unwisely attempt this maneuver, the moment that they look up to
begin gazing, they can't see us. In my case, and in the case of my other bald brethren, the
shaken women, attempting to recover by regaining eye contact, are invariably blinded by the
glare of light reflecting off of our gleaming pate. This throws them off of their mating game
plan.
Unless they're well prepared, like a good quarterback, and can audible to another play, their
offense is in disarray for the rest of the game and they never feel comfortable. Without good
preparation everything begins to unravel quickly.
Compounding their error, they reach out to touch our arm, accidentally poking us in the eye.
In the resulting confusion they forget the hair flip move, become befuddled, mumble
apologies, and move on. The other, unprepared, women notice this and simply remove us
from their schedule, taking on our weaker, taller opponents.
It's a story as old as time itself.
The study suggests that tall men make women feel instinctively more protected, something
imbued in humans since the prehistoric era.
We are such a simple species. You don't have to be tall to protect someone. Confronted with
danger, a short man using his wits will be able to protect someone more effectively than the
tall man any day because the short guy can find a lot more hiding places.
Not convinced? Do you need brute force? Okay, here's an example.
Everyone knows that there aren't many people tougher than mobsters. You know how, in
mobster movies, the tough guys always try to scare someone into complying with their
demands by threatening to break their kneecaps?
Well, who do you think breaks those kneecaps -- the center on the basketball team?
The fact is, women love us short guys and if you let some scientific study convince you
otherwise, you've got some catching up to do on the ol' learning curve. Don't worry though,
with a little effort, you can move along on that curve. But you better hurry, time is - well you
know.
Tom Elia is a contributing editor for The New Editor.
Paul Geary
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